Fredbird's a Giant A-hole

I grew up in St. Louis, but you don’t have to be a Cardinals fan to know about the team mascots, or as I call them – major annoyances.  I am of the opinion that they are strictly in place to “entertain” (a.k.a. petrify) children.  Let’s face it, true sports fans are excited by the actual actions on the field, ice, or court, whichever sport you choose.  True sports fans don’t need the antics of an oversized bird, hot dog, stalk of wheat or even the occasional unidentifiable character to get those competitive juices flowing. 

When I was about 12 years old, I hadn’t really formulated that opinion yet.  I didn’t have any opinion of Fredbird, our local view-blocking, T-shirt catapulting, putting-his-beak-over-your-head nuisance. 

It all started then at the age of 12 or 13.  I’m referring to my “Fredbird Feud”, which he knows nothing about.  I was at a Cardinals game with my sister and her friend.  We happened to be in a section where Fredbird came cruising by, shaking hands, smothering heads with his squishy beak, and being otherwise a pain in the gluteus maximus, but I was happy to reach out to shake his yellow gloved hand.  He shook my sister’s hand, her friend’s hand, and then – to my horror – SKIPPED my little tiny outstretched hand to put his beak over the head of a child on the other side of me, probably traumatizing said child for the remainder of her life.  For reasons I cannot explain, my ego was SO bruised that to this day, 30+ years later, I still get pretty ticked off thinking about my hand proudly hanging out there and being dissed by Fredbird.

The pain didn’t go away as it should have.  A few years later I was at a game with a friend of mine and we had gotten down to the field box level before the game to watch the goings on that occur.  Well, lo and behold, there is Fredbird charging around on the field, apparently warming up to annoy the masses when they show up in about 1/2 hour.  Not yet having reached a maturity level to be proud of, my bruised ego reared it’s ugly head and I shouted, “I hate you Fredbird!”  He heard me alright because he looked in my direction and started rubbing his eyes like he was crying – smart ass that he is.  He’s probably used to people shouting that at him now that I think about it.

This is when the strange “Fredbird phenomena” started.

I don’t remember why, but around age 15 or 16, I was at the airport one night and remember seeing a guy walking through the terminal – and he was carrying FREDBIRD’S HEAD!  Weird…okay, I could let that go as coincidence.  At age 17 I was working at a restaurant on a Saturday afternoon.  It happened to be my turn to wash dishes back in the kitchen.  I’m working away scrubbing pots and pans, when out of the corner of my eye I catch of glimpse of something that does not seem to belong in the kitchen….FREDBIRD!!!  What the…  My immediate response, unfortunately spurred on by that bruised ego mentioned earlier, was to yell   “Get out of here Fredbird!” and shot at him with my ever-powerful water hose.  He was gone in a flash, causing me to question whether what I had just seen was real.  Great.  Why is Fredbird continuing to appear in my life at such odd moments? 

It just gets weirder.  Fast forward a few more years. I’m now about 24 years old and living in Iowa.  Yes, you heard me right – IOWA.  I’m leaving my job from a small hospital as I always do, having to walk through the lobby to the exit.  Guess who’s walking out the door directly in front of me?  Yes…you are correct – FREDBIRD.  I mean, come on now - Iowa.  I was so caught off guard that I could only come up with “Where are you going Fredbird?” and even though I tried to make it sound angry, it’s simply not a question that comes across as angry.  What surprised me was the response, “Outside” he growled.  So then I condescendingly told Fredbird that he is not supposed to speak.  It was the best I could do because I was in Iowa.  I was starting to wonder if perhaps Fredbird wasn’t a bit of a stalker.

Other than a few small “accidental bumpings” at Cardinal games, my contact with Fredbird laid low for a few years.  No chance encounters to speak of, and the bruised ego might have dwindled away to nothing, but then came the biggest, ugliest Fredbird altercation of all. 

Let me set this up for you.  It was a Sunday and I was participating in a walk-a-thon for charity.  I’m not going to lie to you – I was HUNG OVER.  Homemade margaritas the night before had really done me in and worst of all  I had to be at work at 7:00 that morning, where I spent most of my time, kissing the porcelain something or other. You get my drift. 

I was not feeling well but I had committed to this so I left work and went directly to the event around 11 a.m.  I had my baseball cap on to help keep that pesky sun out of my bloodshot, squinty eyes.  Nevertheless, I was able to get registered and met up with my friend, Susie, to wait for the start of the walk.  Susie saw someone she knew so she went to say hello and I sat down at a picnic table to try to pull myself together.  Then it happened… he approached me.  Yes, it was Fredbird.  I tried to be nice and explained to him that he needed to leave me alone, but the big red Avian flu pusher would not walk away.

“Please Fredbird,” I pleaded.  “I’m not feeling well and I don’t want to be your friend.”  Well, Fredbird, being the tremendous A-hole he is paid to be, reached out to grab the bill of my cap and then proceeded to shake my head back and forth.  I warned him that I might possibly PUKE all over his big shiny yellow feet.  Oh he really enjoyed that and apparently wanted to see if I really would.  I could feel a major scrap coming on – my fists clenched and my blood pressure was cooking.  I was just trying to muster up a dehydrated weak right hook to clock Fredbird in his big bird belly, when all of a sudden Susie was there!  She knew my history with this ridiculous beast and apparently, while talking with her friend, had glanced over to see Fredbird gripping my hat and me with my fists ready. I can only imagine what must have gone through her mind at the sheer sight, and she rushed over to break up the ruckus.  She said, “Fredbird (actually I think she called him Fred), I’m serious – you need to leave her alone.”  For some reason he believed her and off he went to harass another victim. Crisis averted.  Susie later told me that her biggest fear was what the headlines of the paper would read – “Volunteer attacks Fredbird at charity event” and she didn’t think that would go over well.  I personally think many people would have been grateful to me for doing exactly what they wish they could.

Sort of pathetic...

I was out walking today at a beautiful little park not far from my part-time job.  I do stay focused while I'm walking, listening to my music. Usually I stop and pet a dog here or there; so far I'd seen a lot of dogs but I had not been tempted.  It's a beautiful day - truly, about 65 degrees and sunny, so the grounds crew at this park is mowing.  As I'm walking along, I smell the fresh cut grass and think (and I WISH I was kidding) "Wow, that sure smells like a Yankee candle!"  What the hell?  It's like I totally forgot that Yankee candle came along after the whole smell of fresh-cut grass.  I embarrassed myself a little.  Then I saw a couple sitting on a bench, she with her head on his shoulder and looking all in love.  I wondered if they were married...to each other.  I'd seen them there before.  On my third time around, somewhere just over a mile I think, I finally saw a dog that I had to stop and pet.  She was a little buff-colored Cocker Spaniel and looked just like our Maggie, who had died years ago.  I let her sniff my fingers, because Cockers can be nasty if they don't like you, and she let me pet her head while she did a little crying sound.  So sweet!  And her man-walker said that I had made a friend for life.  I love stuff like that. 

However, last week I was walking near my apartment and stopped to pet what I think was a dog.  It was tiny - maybe a miniature Chihuahua?  It was my own fault - I put my hand out to pet it and next thing I know it's "biting" my pinky finger! I'm not usually a rookie when it comes to petting dogs, as with the dog at the park, but this one threw me off.  Luckily I don't think it had teeth.  I mean, it was gnawing on my finger and the woman holding the leash, who seemed nice but did not speak a lick of English from what I could tell, just sort of giggled and said, "Ohhh, nooo!" real softly.  I said, "Oh it's okay" but mostly because I was embarrassed.  As I walked away I waited until I was out of eyesight of the timid owner of the weird little creature, and then looked at my finger.  Why, the little rodent dog hadn't even broken the skin!  It was weird, but I admit I was relieved.  I didn't really want a case of rabies right then.  Luckily what saved my walk was my later encounter with an awesome greyhound.  Those dogs are awesome, and the woman walking it was very cool.  It did not bite me and I ended my walk on a high note when I met up with my mailman for a friendly chat as I reached my apartment.

When I got back and let my coworker know I had returned (I go on my dinner break from work), I didn't think she'd believe all the stuff that had happened to me on my trip! I told her it reminded me of the cartoon 'Family Circus' when the little guy on there would tell his mom, "Yes I went straight to school" or whatever, but it showed his path going through yards, up and down trees, under bridges and through mud puddles, but in his mind, he did go straight to school!

The main difference between us that day was that I pretty much stayed on a straight path, but he didn't have the weird experience of getting bit by a rodent dog with no teeth.

Restaurant Review - Mi Ranchito

Hey All!
Just a note about a little restaurant my friend Susie and I discovered the other night.  By discovered, I mean other people found it first so we actually just followed suit and went by the reviews posted online, and the fact that I had a coupon from my 2012 Entertainment Book.  So...nothing really exciting about the way we found it.  It's in University City about two blocks north of the Loop on Kingsland.  We drove by it the first time and as we turned around to come back, there it was.  In a strip mall.  Susie immediately said, "I don't want to go there." A little whiny, but it did look a little...meh.  Not exactly the character of many other restaurants in the Loop, but the parking lot was packed.  And they were rated very highly.  We decided to give it a chance.

We walked into a very nicely decorated, roomy and larger-than-expected place. It was busy, but not loud.  So far so good! Our waitress was right there to take our drink order, and the chips and salsa were next. Good chips!  Not greasy at all, and the flavor fantastic.  The salsa - yum.  I'm not super picky about salsa the way some people are, but I'm sure we've all experienced good and bad salsa.  The worst, which also in fact involved my friend Susie, was basically...well..ketchup.  I can't remember the name of that restaurant, but I do remember it was a desperate hunger stop and also in a strip mall.  And I imagine it's now closed.  So the joy the joy when the salsa was yummy was not disappointing at all!

Susie ordered a Dos Equis Light, which came in sizes of small, large, or pitcher. She got a small. I ordered a margarita, of course, on the rocks with no salt.  My selection of sizes was small, JUMBO or pitcher.  Naturally, I ordered jumbo. That's how I roll.  Good stuff.

We ordered cheese dip for the chips.  Cheesy with a small kick but nothing that made me drink my margarita faster.  I like it that way, but some people may want more kick.

The menu is quite vast.  I ordered the Enchilada Supreme, which was just what I wanted...tortillas and cheese with some lettuce over the top.  It came with a Bean, beef, chicken, and cheese enchilada all topped with cheese, shredded lettuce and sour cream.  Nothing majorly different than anywhere else, but it tasted fresh and I must admit I was not disappointed.  I planned on taking half home for leftovers, but as we talked I ate, and talked and ate.  Next thing I know, my plate is quite empty, other than some shredded lettuce.  What the hell? Oh I was full.

Susie ordered the Guadalajara Special, which surprised me, mainly because it's loaded with food!  She's usually a bit more reserved but we're talking a tamale, two taquitos mexicanos (chicken & beef) one nacho chip with beans, one nacho chip with chicken, one with rice, one with beef, and cheese on all four with lettuce, sour cream, guacamole and tomatoes.  Huh. I didn't get the whole "one chip with..." concept, but it was all pretty well together there on the plate, so it was a non-issue. She seemed to enjoy it and also ate the majority of the food on her plate, although she took a bite of something that caused her face to turn into "bitter beer" face.  She was not sure what it was, but it looked like chocolate from what I could see.  No matter. She had plenty else to eat and by the end, she was as full as I.

The whole bill came to about $35.  Not bad since Susie had ordered another "small" beer and including my Jumbo margarita.  So the price was right.  Our waitress had been right on with her timing and her friendliness, but when I called her over to ask her about my coupon, I asked, "Will you take this?" and she said, "No." And after a pause, she smiled big and laughed!  Awesome!  We laughed and she kept apologizing, but I assured her I was used to being treated in such a manner and that I appreciated her humor!

We left stuffed but pleasantly surprised and happy with ourselves for taking the chance and stopping at Mi Ranchito.  One can never stock up enough on good restaurants to be able to take or refer friends!  This one gets:



I would give 3-1/2 forks, but I am not proficient enough to cut one of my forks in half.  Sorry Mi Ranchito.

File under...Craigslist "huh?"

toilet (House Springs, MO)

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Date: 2012-02-28, 4:41PM CST
Reply to: ztcwn-2876051935@sale.craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Free blue toilet - House Springs, MO 63051 appr. 38 years old good condition

• Location: House Springs, MO
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2876051935

"Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand

 

My sister bought me this book because she thought it was based on the horse in the movie "War Horse."  When it arrived she realized it wasn't that at all.  It was, however, written by Laura Hillenbrand, who wrote the very successful book about Seabiscuit which led to the movie.  I adore horses and I love to read about racehorses that I grew up watching.  Of course Seabiscuit was before my time, just a little, but the story is amazing.  Now this author is turning into one my all-time favorites to read.  She has a way of pouring information into her books without overwhelming the reader and actually incorporating all that information into the story so the reader doesn't even realizing they're learning so much.

This particular book caught me off guard completely.  I started reading it just so I could tell my sister that I had read it so she wouldn't feel bad that it wasn't about the war horse.  But in a sense it was about a war horse.  This horse was in the form of a man named Louis Zamperini.  This dude was thoroughly an amazing man.  As a boy he had trouble channeling his energy and got into a lot of trouble, so his older brother got him into running.  He ended up running in the 1936 Olympics in Munich.  He still had an impish streak in him and stole a German flag for a souvenir.  He had such respect as a long-distance runner that he got the attention of Hitler himself, who had him summoned to his perch to shake his hand, and this respect also got him out of trouble for stealing the flag.  So all this happens to him, right?  Then he joins the Army Air Force as a bombardier just before Japan bombed Pearl Harbor.  The writing is so captivating that every night I had to make myself close the book and put it aside.  At one point after all this had already happened, I looked at the point where my marker was and I was amazed. I was only HALFWAY through the book!  What the hell? How could this man have done all this and lived so much life already and I still had a whole second half to go?  I was exhausted already, but there was no way I wasn't going to get through this without finding out more about this fascinating human being!  The second half involved his capture by the Japanese and being a POW.  That was rough.  My heart was breaking for these men and what they went through.  To the Japanese, the worst form of punishment is humiliation and that is exactly what they did to our soldiers.

I am SO NOT a World War II buff, or should I say I WAS so not a World War II buff.  I found myself wanting to learn more.  I missed my grandpa because I wanted to talk to him about this.  And the true test?  The week after I finished reading it, I got the flu. As I was doubled over in misery, puking my guts out into the toilet, all I could think was, "If Louis Zamperini could survive what he did, I can surely survive this."  I am not nearly as brave or as mentally tough as he and his fellow POWs were and it made me proud to know he was out there on our side.

I definitely recommend this book for anyone who wants to be inspired.  In a time where the word "hero" is erroneously tossed around to describe athletes, movie stars, and other entertainers because that seems to be the standard these days.  Between the writing ability of Laura Hillenbrand and this amazing man, Louis Zamperini, this story still, weeks later, has me invigorated in ways I never imagined.  As a wannabe writer, I am inspired to become better at telling stories so I can help others feel the way I did after reading this book.

I am giving this book: Five of five spectacles!