Well I went to the gym and looked like one of those people who had never been in a gym before. Since I actually HAVE been in a gym before, I knew that, in most places anyway, the rule is that after using any equipment, a person is supposed to wipe it down with the bottle of “sterilizing” stuff and the towel they provide. It's usually situated on walls throughout the gym. Well, being one who follows rules and often sweats a lot, I performed my civic duty. However, I had to take it one step further and look like a total dork because when I went over to make an appointment with a trainer, I realized I had carried the bottle of cleaner stuff thinking it was my water bottle, which I was also carrying, so basically my arms were just full of stuff that I was apparently collecting as I walked around the gym. The gym guy, Josh, thought it was just hilarious. He said, "You have just totally entertained me." Really? Great. Well fantastic Josh. That's what I live for.
So being ambitious this particular day, after turning over the bottle of cleaning solution to Josh, I then sauntered my way over to ride the stationary bike (40 minutes total of cardio – yippee!). I smile casually at the woman on the other bike next to mine, and as I hike my massive frame to climb on the poor bike, my foot slipped out of the little stirrup. I mean, I guess my feet have gained weight too because all of a sudden they don’t fit in the stirrups right! Luckily the immense mammary glands attached to my front (otherwise called mammoth boobs) kept me from crashing into the front part of the bike, and then the bike seemed to be tipping over! The very nice lady on the next bike over said, "Are you okay?" after realizing there was no dodging the catastrophe occurring before her very eyes, and being ever so clever and witty, I mumbled, "Don’t they have any 'special' equipment for people like me?" She laughed…politely. I finished my time without any more drama and skulked out of the building, vowing to never return.
Prior to all the gym debacle, I had at least I managed to escape the grocery store without too much incident...I had stopped there on my way to the gym to get cat food (not for myself - don't worry) and found myself drifting creepily up and down the snack aisle looking for something "baked"...or whatever. Apparently I was drawing the attention of the stock guy due to my creepiness and continuous aimless meandering up and down the aisle. He asked if I was looking for anything in particular. I muttered, "No...” and then I had a minor confession and meltdown… "I shouldn't even be here!” I practically shouted at the wide-eyed frightened young man. “I'm supposed to be at the gym right now!" I must've seemed so pathetic because he, like Josh, also thought I was just hilarious. Neato. I can sure make the boys laugh. So who needs to be svelte and sexy? I mean, chubby and comical worked for Natalie on “The Facts of Life”, didn’t it? I wonder what ever happened to her…surely she is still jolly after all these years.
That's hilarious! Don't forget that Blair was chubby by the end, but all the guys still drooled over her.
ReplyDeleteWhat matters is that you went to the gym; keep up the good work ... and the funny stories!